ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
