Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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