its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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