I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
