If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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