Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
