no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
