Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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