You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
