Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
