Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it's like iHOP with fire
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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