why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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