I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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