Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
