...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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