Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
