Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
