I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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