two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
