Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
