Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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