hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
