I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
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I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
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My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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