i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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