I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
