make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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