i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
