When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
