Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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