we have pet lesbian snakes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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