the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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