I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
