You're so nebulous sometimes
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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