She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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