I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
