I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
