Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We had to coat check the pizza.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
