Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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