I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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