Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
