there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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