The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
