Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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