shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
