I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
