took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I would ride that face into the sunset
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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