I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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