i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
