dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
