So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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