I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
