Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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