im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
