Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
