My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
