I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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