She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
