What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
