Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
