ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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