You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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